A Lonely Kind of Heart

It’s hard to be single when all of your friends have boyfriends.  It’s hard to be single after having somebody by your side for three years.  It’s hard to be single when you live alone and don’t have roommates around to keep you company.  Most of all, it’s hard to be single when you’re scared that you’re never going to find anybody else that you love quite the same way that you loved someone else before.

I keep telling myself that this is the time to enjoy being single, that hopefully the next guy I meet will be the one that I spend the rest of my life with and when that time comes, my days of only worrying about myself will be over forever.  I tell myself to concentrate on me, enjoy the days of taking care of myself and myself only, especially after three long and trying years of worrying about my ex-boyfriend constantly.  I tell myself that this is the time you deserve to concentrate on you.

So why do I feel lonely when I come home at night and there’s nobody there anymore to kiss me hello?  Why do my weekends feel worthless having nobody to share them with?  Why do I become depressed when I fall into bed at the end of the day and there’s nobody there to kiss me goodnight?

I miss the comfort.  I miss the excitement.  I miss having someone to look forward to seeing, having someone to miss.  I miss the snugness of cuddling up with a warm, familiar body.  I miss cooking dinner together at night, and having someone always by my side when we’re out with friends at the bar to grab my hand and reassure me that he is there.  I miss the laughs, and the comfort of being 100% myself around somebody with no worries that they will love me any less.  I miss the phone calls and text messages, I miss the comfort of knowing somebody like the back of my hand and being able to predict what they are going to say or do next.  I miss the passion and the emotions and the fighting and the tears and the making up and the  l o v i n g  e a c h o t h e r.

I’ve had it before.  I’ll have it again.  But I worry that it won’t be the same, that the next guy will always be in comparison of my ex-boyfriend, who as much as I wish I could say I’m 100% over, I’m not.  He wasn’t right for me in so many ways, but I can’t help but remember all the ways that he was.  I’m moving on, I’m thinking realistically, I know we were not meant to be, but I miss him sometimes.  I do.  And while I know that it’s naive and immature for me to think this, I worry that I’m never going to find anybody else that will make me feel the way that he did. 

I try so hard to be strong, to put on a brave face.  Inside, I’m lonely.  And I’m scared.