Race to the Altar

Sooooo I found out yesterday afternoon that one of my best friends from college got engaged on Saturday.  I realize that this should make me feel excited and happy for my friend, but all I am getting out of this news is feeling a little strange and weird about it. 

I’m 23 years old and this is my very first friend to become engaged.  Do you know what this means?  This means that the string of weddings throughout my 20-something years has officially begun.  The knowledge that all of my friends are in the same boat as me, in no rush to the altar, has officially disappeared.  The clock is ticking.  Who wants to be the last friend to make it down the aisle?  Isn’t that some sort of defeat, a sad sort of “I finished last”?

Several months back, I could have told you that out of all of my friends, I was one of the closest ones to the top in the wedding race.  I had a steady boyfriend of three years, one I seriously thought I was going to marry.  I knew we wouldn’t be engaged anytime soon, but I thought that I definitely had one up on most of my other friends, most of whom were casually dating and in no rush to grow up and get married. 

And then we broke up.  I was back to square one.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel as if this is truly a race to the altar and that it’s a life or death situation.  Truth be told, I didn’t feel much of an urgency until I heard the news yesterday afternoon.  23 is still fairly young, and once you’re married, the ring is on, your life is set and that’s the end of your single 20s.  I’m not ready to give this life up tomorrow, but I would at least like to think that I’m on the right path.  And I promise you, I’m not.  I’ve been newly single for three months, I’ve gone out on a few dates, and I’ve enjoyed the casualness of all of it, especially after being in such a serious relationship for three years.  But there’s something to be said for feeling a sense of security and protection.  I miss that feeling.

How can one single friend becoming engaged completely change my outlook on my ticking wedding clock?  All of a sudden, I want to go wedding dress shopping and pick out cakes and bridesmaid dresses and flower arrangements and photographers and bands.  It all sounds so exciting!  But am I truly ready for all of that or do I just feel left out and slightly jealous? 

Your 20s are a funny age.  Everything is so unpredictable and scary and changing and new and completely uncertain.  Maybe I should just focus on that right now.  After all, you’re only 23 and uncertain once.  Maybe that’s the exciting part.

Gumdrops and Designer Dresses

I too attended the ritzy high school in an extremely wealthy part of town.  You know when you’re watching television and a rap video comes on and all you see are rows of fancy cars, Louis Vuitton and cold Dom Perignon overflowing a $5,000 champagne flute?  That was what it felt like walking into my high school.

 School wasn’t a responsibility, it was a party.  You came to class to be with your friends and to make sure that the teacher marked you as present for the day.  What if you weren’t in the mood to attend class?  It was simple.  Just bring the gate guard a Chik-fi-la #1 breakfast combo and drive out of the parking lot.  On the weekends, it was all about letting loose and playing even harder just to go back to school on Monday to do it all over again.  I was living in a fantasy world where I just didn’t care, nor did I have a reason to because everything was handed to me on a diamond encrusted platter.  My biggest concerns entailed what I was doing that weekend, who I was going to date next, and where I was attending Spring Break.

 High School finally ended and I went away to college.  I grew up a bit during this life-altering experience and realized that in order to reach any goal or dream I’d ever had, I was going to have to actually try.  During the next four years, I slaved over intricate school work, endless projects and challenging tests to earn my Bachelor’s Degree.  It was an indescribable feeling to finally earn something that I had worked very hard for.  Although I was among the many from my high school that attended college, I was one of the few that actually finished. 

 I have been out of High School for almost six years and out of college for almost two.  When life used to be a giant playground for all who step foot into our high school, I was now running into former classmates who are in their early to mid-20’s, doing absolutely nothing with their lives.  They are now living off of their families and trust funds, dropping out of college, getting pregnant, doing drugs and/or wasting their lives away with no sense of purpose or being.  Surprising perhaps?  I thought so too at first.  But then I really began dissecting the situation at hand.  Let’s level here, wealth does not necessarily give someone class.  You can wear all of the Burberry and Michael Kors that you want but when it comes down to it, what you actually own does not give you emotional, moral and mental value.  There for, when you have had no obstacles in life and everything has been given to you without any effort on your part, you will eventually panic and in turn, fail because you have never had to try a day in your life. 

 Maybe some of my former peers felt that they would eventually take over their father’s real estate empires or other businesses and didn’t feel the need for an education.  Or perhaps they were too busy binge drinking and spending their money on hard drugs and in the haze of their young lives, didn’t realize that their future was slipping away.  Truth be told, it doesn’t matter what high school you attend, how much money your family has or if you drive a Mercedes-Benz.  What matters is if you let your environment and surroundings make you or break you.  For me, I refused to go under without putting up a fight.  I would not allow this “bubble” that I was living in break me.  I drove through the speed bumps and potholes on this road called life and remained true to myself.  I didn’t want to see myself struggle although close ones around me were crumbling.  The funny thing about this town is it will either make you or break you.  If you let it eat you alive, it surely will.  The one imperative thing to remember is you deserve a fighting chance, so don’t give up so easily.  Do not take the road that requires the least amount of work.  Choose to be something.  Break through world of gumdrops and designer dresses and put your life into perspective.  What is really important…material things with a makeshift fantastical life or a person to be proud of and a life worth living?

I chose a life worth living.

Midlife crisis… at 23?

Growing up, I attended high school in a wealthy area of South Charlotte. High school made me feel bruised and battered. I floated from friend to friend, therapist to therapist, antidepressant to antidepressant. When I went away to college five years ago, I felt as if I could finally breathe. My new college town gave me confidence, and happiness, and a feeling of freedom. Not just freedom from my parents, but freedom from the personal restraints that had held me down all throughout high school. I found a wonderful group of friends, a newfound confidence and the mountain air of my new town made me feel alive. I would often find myself wondering, Who knew life could feel this good?

When I graduated college last May, I was scared to death. I dreaded coming back to Charlotte and moving back in with my parents. The economy was horrible and I couldn’t find a job to save my life. If I told you how many resumes and cover letters I sent in over the past year, you would hold a real soft spot in your heart for me. In addition to the horrors of moving back in with my parents and spending hours every day trying to find employment, all of a sudden, familiar feelings resurfaced. Charlotte represented to me insecurity, insignificance, and unhappiness. I missed walking through campus in the fall, admiring the foliage and the mountains around me. I missed my friends and my freedom. Most of all, I missed the longing to really absorb and inhale life.

Over a year has passed since I graduated. I have found employment. It is by no means my dream job, but it’s a start, and I’m thankful to have a salary in times like this. I have my own apartment and am a 23 year old single woman supporting myself. My college friends are dispersed all throughout the state, and I have two, count ‘em, two friends that live in Charlotte in addition to my family. I go to work every day from 8:30 until 5:30, come home, heat up a microwavable dinner, and plop down in front of the TV for the rest of the night. My best friends are Meredith Grey, Cat Deely and the crew at HGTV.

How did my life become so pathetic?

What happened to giggling with my roommates, carousing the bars, and stumbling to get Mexican food on Saturday mornings? Where did tailgating and football games go? Who is this strange woman working in an office, nuking Lean Cuisines and paying the bills? Was college as good as it gets?

Really? Seriously? It can’t be. I’m 23, for godsakes. I’m 25% through with my life, if all goes well. I have a long life ahead of me. I don’t want to live my life looking backwards – I want to look at the here and now. I want friends, and fun, and personal contentment! Is that too much to ask for?

Answer me this: Am I so caught up in my college friendships and memories that I feel as if nothing else will compare? Am I closing myself off from opportunities to meet new people and form new relationships? Am I being stubborn, stupidly thinking that all of Charlotte embodies the arrogance and close-mindedness of my high school?

I am slowly realizing that it may be time to stretch my legs in this city. I believe it could be possible that I can spread my wings outside of my college town. I am gradually opening myself up to new places, new people, and new experiences. Who am I to fault Charlotte for my unhappiness? Isn’t it nobody’s fault but my own?

And maybe, just maybe, it’s time to put college behind me. It was a wonderful experience, one I will always clutch in a dear, beloved pocket of my heart. But I’m 23 years old. It’s time to be an adult, and turn my direction towards the life in front of me. Who knows? It might just be more fun than the last.