Valentines Day… you either love it or hate it.

This year is my year to hate it.

Growing up, Valentines Day had nothing to do with romance.  It meant chocolate from my parents and fun little V-Day cards from my classmates.  It meant pink and red construction paper and Little Debbie Valentines cakes.  It was sweet, and it was fun.

Once you surpass the age of 15, Valentines Day becomes less about candy and more about love and crushes from the opposite sex.  It’s either a success, or a day to wear black and announce that “Love sucks.”

My past three Valentines Days were spent with my ex-boyfriend with roses, expensive dinners and lovin’ for dessert.  I was one of the lucky few who got to enjoy Valentines Day because I had somebody to share it with.  Forget the fact that we fought every other day of the year and were completely wrong for each other; for that one day we had each other to celebrate, a day to remember the reasons why we loved each other.

Well my life has changed drastically since last Valentines Day, and this year he will be sharing our former day of celebration with someone else.  He will shower her with roses and a nice dinner.  I will take comfort in knowing that these presents come but one day a year and that she is now the one dealing with the cheapskate, unreliable boyfriend.  But that doesn’t change the fact that this Valentines Day, I will be alone.

The rest of the world will wine and dine at their favorite restaurants and dive into bed the minute they get home.  I will sit on the couch by myself and stuff my stomach to fill the void while all of my best friends snuggle with their significant others and receive sappy cards from the ones they love.

It’s just another day, I tell myself and all of the other single females out there dreading the forthcoming holiday of gloom.  Celebrate yourself, because that’s one of the most significant relationships you will ever have.  Send cards to your parents and your siblings and your grandparents.  Ignore the love section in Hallmark and change the channel when the Valentines jewelry store commercials come on TV.  Who knows?  Maybe it will be the last Valentines Day we spend alone for the rest of our lives.  Anything can happen in a year.

Superwoman – Alicia Keys

Something to Lose - Corey Smith

Suspicious Minds – Elvis Presley

Boulevard of Broken Songs – Green Day vs. Oasis vs. Travis

Don’t Ever – Missy Higgins

They – Jem

Tiny Dancer – Ironik

One Day – Akon (Feat. Matisyahu)

Take Me Out to a Dancehall – Pat Green

Wrong Side of Right – Ben Carver

Back Where I Come From (Live) – Kenny Chesney

The Wrestler – Bruce Springsteen

She Loves Everybody – Chester French

For the Longest Time – Billy Joel

World Inside My Head – Sister Hazel

The Funeral – Band of Horses

Follow Me Down – 3Oh3

Disappear – Motion City Soundtrack

Redemption Song (Bob Marley Cover) – Rihanna

So Complicated – Carolyn Dawn Johnson

Dark Blue – Jack’s Mannequin

What a Beautiful Day – Chris Cagle

Secrets – Maroon 5

Back to You– John Mayer

Today Was a Fairytale – Taylor Swift

Everything – Michael Buble

Damned if I Do Ya – All Time Low

All Night– Damian Marley

Deep South – Cartel

Belle of the Boulevard– Dashboard Confessional

It never really had much meaning to me, until this year.  When 2010 approached, my life changed almost immediately.  I woke up from my daze.  I realized that this year, I would turn 25-years-old. To some, this is not old, in fact, most people would say that this is incredibly young and you would be considered as “in your prime”.  But to the young girl who still can’t believe she has been out of high school for almost six years and out of college for almost two, it’s quite the slap in the face.  Wasn’t I just in high school being crazy and careless?  Wasn’t I just attending my first party?  Receiving my first kiss?  It hit me like an 18-wheeler and I came to the inevitable conclusion – I am not getting any younger, and that is frightening as hell.

When I was 8-years-old, I dreamed of an extravagant Barbie dream house with a pink convertible parked in the driveway and a stable full of white horses…and no, I wasn’t a doll – it was all life-size, and it was my reality.

When I was 13-years-old, I dreamed of being a big movie star that lived a lavish life of luxury.  I wanted magnificent, fur coats, bed spreads made of the finest silk and of course, a personal staff to take care of every little detail of my day.

When I was 18-years-old I wanted to be a fashion designer with the trendiest and most cutting-edge innovations.  I wanted to be the next John Galliano, Betsey Johnson or Vivienne Westwood – vibrant colors, funky patterns and an overall look that certainly pushed the envelope in the world of couture.  I wanted a sexy, slick, white Bentley Coupe to pair nicely with my villa in Milan and my penthouse in NYC.

Now, at the age of almost 25, I have not accomplished any of these goals.  No, they may not be 100% realistic and could be considered childish but wasn’t that the greatest part about being young?  You could dream whatever you wanted to dream, no matter how outlandish some thought it was. You were never judged for wanting something more. Now?  I work a dead-end job at a company that has a glass ceiling.  I am overworked and underpaid (story of everyone’s life – right?).  I do not live in New York City, have a staff, or drive a Bentley.  These raw conclusions that I have come to turns with make my stomach curl.  I want and deserve more.

I’m taking this year and making it mine.  I am going to live a little selfishly.  It’s all about seizing the day.  Taking what is rightfully yours and running with it. It’s about accepting reality and moving forward but still living for today because we only have one life and one shot at it – we better make it our very best.  If I’m going to do this life right, I’m going to live it as a rockstar.  Carpe Diem.

Kind of in Love – The Avett Brothers

Stand By Me – Playing for Change

Mama’s Song – Carrie Underwood

Call and Return – Hellogoodbye

King Without A Crown – Matisyahu

This Could Be Love – Alkaline Trio

Everything – Alanis Morissette

About Mr. Brown (Live) – O.A.R.

Do You Realize – The Flaming Lips

5 Years Time – Noah and the Whale

Mansard Roof – Vampire Weekend

Fishing in the Dark – Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

Almost Lover – A Fine Frenzy

Video – India.Arie

Blue Foundation – Eyes on Fire

I keep telling myself that this is the time to enjoy being single, that hopefully the next guy I meet will be the one that I spend the rest of my life with and when that time comes, my days of only worrying about myself will be over forever.  I tell myself to concentrate on me, enjoy the days of taking care of myself and myself only, especially after three long and trying years of worrying about my ex-boyfriend constantly.  I tell myself that this is the time you deserve to concentrate on you.

So why do I feel lonely when I come home at night and there’s nobody there anymore to kiss me hello?  Why do my weekends feel worthless having nobody to share them with?  Why do I become depressed when I fall into bed at the end of the day and there’s nobody there to kiss me goodnight?

I miss the comfort.  I miss the excitement.  I miss having someone to look forward to seeing, having someone to miss.  I miss the snugness of cuddling up with a warm, familiar body.  I miss cooking dinner together at night, and having someone always by my side when we’re out with friends at the bar to grab my hand and reassure me that he is there.  I miss the laughs, and the comfort of being 100% myself around somebody with no worries that they will love me any less.  I miss the phone calls and text messages, I miss the comfort of knowing somebody like the back of my hand and being able to predict what they are going to say or do next.  I miss the passion and the emotions and the fighting and the tears and the making up and the  l o v i n g  e a c h o t h e r.

I’ve had it before.  I’ll have it again.  But I worry that it won’t be the same, that the next guy will always be in comparison of my ex-boyfriend, who as much as I wish I could say I’m 100% over, I’m not.  He wasn’t right for me in so many ways, but I can’t help but remember all the ways that he was.  I’m moving on, I’m thinking realistically, I know we were not meant to be, but I miss him sometimes.  I do.  And while I know that it’s naive and immature for me to think this, I worry that I’m never going to find anybody else that will make me feel the way that he did. 

I try so hard to be strong, to put on a brave face.  Inside, I’m lonely.  And I’m scared.

You know, the grimy, rave-like, guido infested club at the Epicenter?

Barf.

I’ve been to Suite three times in the past year or so, none of these times being my own personal choice.  I’m the type of gal that enjoys low key bars such as Braswells, Ed’s Tavern, Thomas Street Tavern, etc., so needless to say, Suite is not really my scene.  The first time I went, my friend rented a VIP table outside for her birthday, so I didn’t notice the douchy-ness that was happening inside.  The second time I went, it was NYE 2009 and I was surrounded by tons of my closest friends and boyfriend of the time, so I didn’t so much care about my surroundings as much as the people I was with.  However, this past weekend I was boyfriend-free and on the prowl, and the plethora of greasy losers bordering the wall was painfully obvious.

To put it simply, I felt like I had suddenly materialized onto the set of Jersey Shore.  Looking around, I failed to find one single male that attracted me.  They all stood sleazy-like with their button down shirts and greasy hair.  Their eyes trailed the half-naked girls with fake eyelashes the size of my hand and enough hairspray to chemically murder someone.  The worst part of it all was the go-go dancers slutting it up on top of the makeshift “stage” to the horrendous string of remixed pop radio. 

If that’s your scene, neat.  But prepare for an anxiety attack when you get smushed against a wall and you can’t breathe because of the throngs of scantily clad attention whores grinding in front of your face.

Oh, but they do have super hot bartenders.

Let’s Go – Cartel

Warwick Avenue – Duffy

Live Like You’re Dying – Kris Allen

Two is Better Than One – Boy’s Like Girls

Alejandro – Lady Gaga

I Will Follow You into the Dark – Death Cab for Cutie

Chicken Fried – Zac Brown Band

We Danced Anyway – Deana Carter

Stars and Boulevards – Augustana

Retrograde – Cartel

Bulletproof – La Roux

Secrets – Maroon 5

Butterfly – Jason Mraz

The BIG THING, Michelle, rarely happens when you ask for it, nor does it typically come from who or where you expect.  It usually comes a bit later, from someone you didn’t even know when you first asked, as a result of some weird turn of events that were impossible to foresee.

So, chill.  Be patient.  Enjoy the moment.  And let your friends, employers, and partners off the hook.  Besides, they’re going to have enough to deal with when the BIG THING does arrive, if you know what I mean.

Won’t be long,

      The Universe

Funny how my daily Notes from the Universe sometimes coincide with exactly what I need to hear.

It’s 9:30 AM.  I have 7 1/2 hours left of the work day.  I have absolutely nothing to do.

It’s highly possible that by the end of the day all my hair will have been pulled out or I will have jumped out of a window.  I will have read the news from every major U.S. news website.  I will have the statuses of my Facebook friends memorized.  I will have checked Twitter on my Blackberry at least 30 times and will know exactly what every major Twitter celebrity is up to out in Hollywood.  I will have thoroughly annoyed my friends via text, because they actually have lives or jobs that keep them occupied, and I can’t keep myself from texting them every couple of hours to alert, “I’M BORED!”

Why do I stay here, you ask?  Here’s a rundown of the reasons:

1. I adore the people I work for.  They are the most genuine, nice, caring folks and they make me feel like I am an integral part of their company.

2. Finding a new job isn’t easy, to say the least.  I exhausted myself with the job search for almost a year, and I’m not quite ready to fall back into the abyss of endless cover letters and selling my soul to an employer who won’t give me a second glance.

3. I get health benefits, 3 weeks vacation a year, as many sick days as needed, a Christmas bonus and I’ve only worked here since April.  Oh, and I only work 35 hours a week.  Not many companies give entry level employees such luxuries.

4. I enjoy the work that I do, when I have it to do.  It just comes far and few between.

Are all of those reasons worth the tears of boredom that run down my face every day?  I could never work for nicer people, nor have the benefits and flexible schedule that I have now.  But I’m not intellectually pushed enough, nor creatively stimulated.  I need a position that allows my creativity and passion to run rampant.  I need to be challenged; a position that makes me accomplish things that I didn’t know I could do.

I’m pretty stagnant and comfortable here.  I’m scared that might be one of the biggest reasons I’m choosing to stay.

I’m scared to push myself.  I’m not willing to give up the flexibility of this position in order to work somewhere that may be a little more rigid, but will challenge me more in the end.

So until I get the courage to dive back into the job search, I’ll be here.  Or on Facebook, or Twitter, or CNN.  Or splattered on the ground outside the window.  Grrrr.